Res Life Lamentations

Interesting side-effect of prozac

Wed, 13 Feb 2013 20:52:00 -0500

I haven’t even logged into tumblr in two months.

Or maybe it’s student teaching is eating my brains?

Also my students keep asking me about tumblr.

Quiet, you. I’m still more culturally relevant than you are.

Fortunately my anxiety is manageable, at least?

Ah whatever. I think I’ll be throwing in the towel soon with this blog.

Blogoversary

Fri, 21 Dec 2012 03:23:00 -0500

HOLY SHIT.

In the midst of my over-dramatic emotional angst (which reached NEW HEIGHTS today, people! FUCK!)…

I completely missed my first blogoversary! This is a big deal.

After 1 year, I have had some amazing support—and some very faithful followers who have stuck through even though I tend to go on hiatus once every few months.

News from the battlefront:
As you may have read below, I started a prozac regimen. WHOA, ACTUAL MEDS. This maybe came just in time because I left the office twice today to lock myself in a room and cry.

WHAT IS GOING ON IN MY BRAIN? Who knows! It’s hopefully gonna get better within a couple of weeks.

I’m miserable though. And so damn dramatic. Ugh.

I’ll be fine, I PROMISE.

>.<

Allegedly this helps with motivation too…so I’ll hopefully be on more. Unfortunately, my break is a week because of academic obligations. Ugh.

Thanks for keeping the faith. It’s been a wonderful year!

Any of my followers ever taken prozac?

Fri, 21 Dec 2012 03:05:00 -0500

Please tell me about your experiences. How long did it take before you felt anything? Did it help? What did it do? Either answer here or submit it. I really want your input. I just started a couple days ago and I’m nervous.

So where the fuck have I been? (Very personal--you have been warned)

Mon, 10 Dec 2012 00:26:29 -0500

That’s a good question. I wish I knew the answer myself.

As our region slowly recovered from Sandy, and finals quickly set in, I came to realize that the depression I talked about here was only just beginning when I brought it up in September.

Sigh.

The last few weeks, I have been in and out of lucidity within the sea of my own emotions. I’m finding more and more that the things I hoped I could rely on are a lot less substantial than I thought—or at least turning out to be less substantial than they were. It’s hard when you realize that after so many years of having such strong support always with you, you have to rely on yourself.

And that’s really hard to do when you hate yourself so much, or at least feel completely incompetent.

It’s not as though I don’t have support. I really really do. My old staffs are always there and can tell when I’m not doing so well. I still have a lot of people who work hard to draw me out, or at least know me well enough to know when I don’t want to be drawn out and will let me be miserable.

I of course, also have the counselor I have started seeing regularly. It’s tough because she tells me a lot of things I don’t want to hear.

I think there are some things I need to let go of, but I still don’t want to. Like I really really don’t want to. There are some things worth salvaging, and the little things prove me right, but none of this has anything to do with anybody else except for me.

The problem is that I’ve gotten used to things being a certain way, and now everything is changing; and it’s not just finals. My entire life is taking a VERY dramatic shift, and all I want to do is cling to the things I thought I had—which gets harder and harder every day.

Fortunately, I’m starting to believe the worst is behind me, and instead of getting lost in my own emotions on a regular basis, I’ve accepted that shit sucks and I’m able to move forward from there. This is an important step. I still have horrifying moments of emotional overwhelm where I just fall to the ground and sob—but the fact that I CAN cry is an important step, I think? Maybe?

I don’t know.

Anyway. That’s why I’ve been MIA from tumblr. I’ve still been on duty, but everything about Res Life and regular life has been hellish and overwhelming.

So while I work through my shit, just know that I am trying my best to post, but it gets harder every day.

A lot of you have been amazingly kind, reminding me to hang in there. And I really am hanging in there. It just sucks when a cold beer doesn’t do the trick anymore. But who can afford to go out in grad school anyway?

I’m ready for the day when I don’t have to worry about life going a certain way. I doubt I’ll end up where I want to be—almost no one ever does—but I would like to be at a point where I don’t feel like I’m circling the drain of a terrifying void.

Like I said before, at the moment, I’m okay, and I WILL BE okay. I’ve just fallen into a ditch that I’m having some trouble getting out of…

Oh, life.

Sorry again.

Fucking spare me, residents.

Fri, 23 Nov 2012 22:01:24 -0500

Don’t complain to me about your precious vacation time while I work Thanksgiving Break, haven’t been home in six months, will only get to go home for about a week, and will be broke for the foreseeable future because this job limits the amount of loans I can take out.

Fucking spare me.

Seriously.

Ain't No Party Like a Thanksgiving Duty Party

Thu, 22 Nov 2012 14:41:06 -0500

Because Thanksgiving Duty FUCKING SUCKS.

♥

So if you can't tell

Mon, 05 Nov 2012 00:13:00 -0500

Posts are kind of sporadic.

Life is kind of hectic as fuck because of Sandy. If you haven’t been reading the news, many people are without homes, cars, and power. It’s been a week, but it’s still messed up as hell in the entire region~~, which I’m actually revealing on tumblr. That’s how you know it’s bad~~.

I have been very, VERY lucky, and so has most of my staff…but others, including my residents, have not been. Some people lost literally EVERYTHING.

So posts are going to be sporadic for the next few weeks while we all get back on our feet again.

There are some questions in my ask that I’ll get to at some point in the VERY NEAR future, and in the mean time, if anyone would like to submit posts, they are always welcome and appreciated.

Please pray for heat, power, and comfort to those who need it right now; a lot of people do.

Thanks

-RLL

If you were registered for the NYC marathon, donate your room to a displaced New Yorker.

Fri, 02 Nov 2012 23:30:09 -0400

If you were registered for the NYC marathon, donate your room to a displaced New Yorker.

Weekend Duty Overheard...Again

Fri, 02 Nov 2012 23:28:38 -0400

Resident 1: Actually, I have to pee.
Resident 2: You don't want to get a UTI.
Resident 1: Always pee after sex.
Resident 2: That's what I've heard.

Resident: So how many zombies are there now?

Resident: We've got a month to get it together.

Resident: Yep. *Door slamming* (someone throwing skateboard outside)
Resident: I lose. I'll just... I'll see you later.

Resident: Oh man, you stole my homework.

Resident 1: Look at you, oh man you're so cool.
Resident 2: That's Tom. You know, that was pretty good for my first time.

Resident: Ah! That was easy.

Resident: Eat a yogurt!

Resident: Oh, you're soo tall.

fundatory: RAs communicate with eyebrows… AHAHAHAHA. Most of...

Fri, 02 Nov 2012 22:45:00 -0400

fundatory:

RAs communicate with eyebrows…

AHAHAHAHA. Most of the time my co-RA and I are in each others’ heads, but we have also come up with a secret signaling language to make sure that we are thinking the same thing…

Sure-fire way to make sure no one comes to your floor program:

Fri, 02 Nov 2012 22:22:00 -0400

randomqueries:

Comic Sans

If you use comic sans on your flyer I will go out of my way to make sure that no one comes to your program.

Anyone on my staff who may come across this: YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.

BUT I SHOULDN’T HAVE TO WARN YOU.

Sandy hit us BAD.

Tue, 30 Oct 2012 19:54:19 -0400

Maybe I’m revealing too much information about my location…but whatever. I can only be on for a little bit while we still have generator power. I’m PRAYING that things get back to normal soon. Fortunately, everyone on campus is safe, and I think the cabin fever is starting to wear off a bit…

I sincerely hope that all of you and your families are safe, and I can only assume that those of you reading this have power.

Happy thoughts to everyone affected. ♥

My professors WOULD give me homework.

Mon, 29 Oct 2012 12:04:00 -0400

Unlike my friends who get to curl up with a book, I actually have WORK to do.

…Like update tumblr.

I asked this before, but you never responded so i'm just gonna assume you didnt get it haha. anyway, this is more of "i want to hear your thoughts" as opposed to "give me answers." So, ANYWAY, I'm a freshman this year. Somewhere a couple weeks in I thought "wow, being an RA looks cool." but i'm kinda too embarassed to tell people because i feel as though they will think I am reaching something I'm not capable of...but I just cant stop imagining myself as an RA, weh...

Mon, 29 Oct 2012 01:49:00 -0400

Hey hey! Yeah, I definitely didn’t get this ask. So sorry if you thought I cold-shouldered you, anon!

You asked for thoughts. Here are some frickin thoughts:

The fact that you’re embarrassed may actually help you, because when applying for the position, it’s important to be confident—but humble. But you definitely shouldn’t be embarrassed because you think they will judge you as incapable! That’s some bullshit right there.

The fact of the matter is, college is a growing experience. Okay, time to tell a story:

I totally fucked up my RA interview freshman year. Like…TOTALLY fucked it up. I didn’t even make it past the first round, mainly because I was a mess. I remember thinking I was a shoe-in, but because I was so freaking obnoxious…yeah. Not pretty.

Then, my sophomore year I actually go to know my RAs by applying for a front desk job. My boss at that job ended up becoming by mentor in the position. The RAs to me were like the cool kids I wished I could be a part of. I got to know them, and they got to know me. I knew I would make a great RA but I didn’t want to tell them. I really didn’t want to be that obnoxious kid from last year.

I remember the night I first suggested it to one of my RAs…I was at the front desk and she was going to bed. She was just like “AWESOMMME!” but definitely was holding back. One of the head RAs was also keen to the idea and we were in the same major…but she got more distant after I started to get more confident. My future mentor straight up told me what skills I needed to be able to display in the selection process, and I nailed it. Interview, not as much, but after literally the LONGEST WEEK OF MY LIFE, I got the position.

For some reason, I thought I would hit the ground running with the position. I think I naively thought that academics were just like the real world or something. HOLY SHIT, RA was a growing experience.

Now I sit in the office almost every night with my closest staff member (who is brand new) and I feel like an old fart, reflecting on my own naivete from two years ago, and how little of it I see in him.

I also think about how I’m almost like a “fake” third-year RA. I’ve found myself a veteran now, not because I ripened early, but because I stayed later. The RAs that got hired their sophomore years are in some ways better than me…but I still know more than them, and they are incredibly willing to learn.

First year seems really far away. Not being an RA seems even further. It really changes you as a person, but definitely in a good way. The funny thing is that we’re “brainwashed” the first year, then after that, we don’t give a fuck.

But yeah, being an RA looks cool, because it is cool! It’s a LOT of fucking work. Like…a LOT of work. I don’t think I can emphasize enough that you are basically selling your soul to res life. You are an indentured servant and they can do whatever they want to you. As you may have noticed from previous posts, my undiagnosed mental issues that I have had mostly under control for the entirety of my undergrad career are suddenly coming back, and RA has a lot to do with it.

Still, this third year has made the last two years worth it, and I don’t think I would trade my time here for anything. It’s awesome being an “insider,” too, but once you’re here there’s no turning back. Different world.

Totally worth it.

Best of luck!

to which I don’t know the answer**** Sorry. We must not lose our grammar skills in these...

Sun, 28 Oct 2012 19:50:28 -0400

to which I don’t know the answer****

Sorry. We must not lose our grammar skills in these trying times.

So fucking overwhelmed

Sun, 28 Oct 2012 19:50:02 -0400

Remind me to never be on duty during a hurricane again.

I’m about to snap at the next person that asks me another question I don’t know the answer to.

I would be lying if I said this Hurricane wasn't making me nervous.

Sun, 28 Oct 2012 11:07:19 -0400

To my fellow RAs on the East Coast, best of luck preparing for Sandy’s inevitable arrival.

This is going to be one hell of an interview topic once we’re on the other side of this thing, right?

♥♥

All the best in luck and love.

hey, on the application, is there usually a limit to how much you can say about your reasons for being an RA? It probably varies between schools, but I'm just wonderin...I started to write my reasons for wanting to be an RA, and I'm not even done and its starting to turn into an essay...(applications dont even come out until winter orz)

Sat, 27 Oct 2012 15:42:00 -0400

Hey sorry this took so long! Good question. You were definitely right when you said it probably varies between schools—it does. It probably even varies between Hall Directors. I think it’s really good that you’re writing out all of your reasons now. It’s much better to have a lot that you have to shave off rather than nothing at all.

What I would say is make the monster list as colossal as you can…get everything out and I mean literally list everything, even the really selfish and not-so-attractive ones ones like “I really want free room and board” (or whatever your school’s compensation is), then sort the reasons in a list, ranking them by how important you think it will be to Hall Directors. If some are longer than points, break them up resume-style with little blurbs underneath. Then from there, you will have a skeleton you can build off of once you get perspective from your school and have to actually make the application.

I would definitely get that perspective by talking to an RA. Most will not be too open to discussing applications out of the blue (nobody likes that resident) but hopefully there are RAs that you know and trust because not only will they be a good resource for this, but also, unsurprisingly, it’s not what you know it’s who you know. At my (small res life) school, we definitely look for people that are positive influences on campus and in the res life community.

Hope that helped! And seriously…seriously SERIOUSLY tell me how this turns out for you. I want to know!

To the questions I've just received:

Thu, 25 Oct 2012 01:11:05 -0400

I got them and I will answer them! Busy busy week. I’ve started writing them like five times then couldn’t finish them because tumblr won’t let me save drafts of asks =(

I also had the best program of my career tonight! WOOOO! And now I have to be up at the crack of dawn for Education Fieldwork….

So in the meantime, please enjoy this picture that was largely responsible for breaking my crippling depression this morning:

do you answer all the questions you get?

Sun, 21 Oct 2012 23:08:43 -0400

There is only one question I’ve never answered and it was lifted directly from an RA Application (like almost a year ago) and they wanted me to answer for them. I was going to come up with something witty but I couldn’t do it without sounding too mean hahaha.

If you asked a question, it wasn’t the one mentioned above and I didn’t answer, I guarantee you I did not get it.

Tumblr has been having a lot of issues with lost asks (I actually put an ask in my own inbox that I never saw again) so I am SO SORRY if you had a question and I never answered it. Please ask again, I am always available!

Replies to posts, on the other hand, I’m pretty bad about since there’s no straightforward way to reply to those…so sorry if that was something I failed at.

So PLEASE, ask away! I am still a very small blog, and I love hearing from you all!